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Rear and Present Danger: 10 Years of Hits and Misses

by The Rear Admirals

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1.
You and I have the talent to see things in a different way While others lie prostrate you and I are merely laid We’re passing like ships in the night; I was never one for sailing The only knots I tied are the ones in my tongue when I’m caught explaining to you No one holds a candle to you No one holds a candle to you No one holds a candle to you No one holds a candle I had my shot but I didn’t take it We had our chance but I didn’t make it with you No one holds a candle to you Fingers grace the pages where once they pulled the hair away from your cheeks I found a picture of you at the Pyrenees and I haven’t slept in weeks Page upon page; impotent rage at the loss of love I felt How symphonic, it’s symbolic; I’m the Mozart of feeling sorry for myself No one holds a candle to you No one holds a candle to you No one holds a candle to you No one holds a candle There’s no second chances once you get off the ride No re-queuing several years down the line for you No one holds a candle to you And you were the only one who never saw me as a work in progress When I hear that word “potential” my krav maga kicks in You saw the crash coming and you took both hands right off the wheel Not every wreck needs fixing Not every wreck needs fixing, but for you No one holds a candle to you No one holds a candle to you No one holds a candle to you No one holds a candle I live in hope, do you think I should? If you had your chance again, do you think you would? But you, no one holds a candle to you
2.
Funny Face 03:13
Bend the rules Up to the point of breaking See a chance, you’ll take it And you’ll win But I saw the news You caused another accident I don’t know how this keeps on happening But it does But you can’t keep living your life like you’re the only one that matters Think about what it does to your friends Scratching out the words in the rulebook until you leave it lying in tatters Funny face, I know how the episode ends A rainy afternoon Another painting vandalized A church fete you left scandalized But you’re fine The stunt you pulled on the roof It could have ended tragically You float through life so magically Until you don’t But you can’t keep living your life like you’re the only one that matters Think about what it does to your friends Scratching out the words in the rulebook until you leave it lying in tatters Funny face, I know how the episode ends But you can’t keep living your life like you’re the only one that matters Think about what it does to your friends Scratching out the words in the rulebook until you leave it lying in tatters Funny face, I know You never stick around until the credits roll Funny face, I know how the episode ends
3.
Have you ever rode a swan downstream? And when you dream of me Am I dead, or do I breathe? Because you ripped that heart right out of my chest And I can't help but confess It was all probably for the best And I just wrote to you to say "I think about you every day." And I can't help but confess Have you ever rode a swan downstream? And when you dream of me Am I dead, or do I breathe? Because you ripped that heart right out of my chest And I can't help but confess It was all probably for the best And I just wrote to you to say "I think about you every day." And I can't help but confess
4.
Taught to take anything he wants You’re in his way, now he can’t be stopped I caught word that the boy owes you death You must have heard about the Lannisters and their debts Oh yeah, Joffrey’s eager I’ve never seen the Lannisters keener It’s in his eyes and his general demeanor Mother’s near he’ll do anything To keep at happy So at home on an iron throne It’s only Westeros but he calls it his own Because it’s his whole world; it’s his to destroy Insolent girls and little butcher’s boys Oh yeah, Joffrey’s eager I’ve never seen the Lannisters keener It’s in his eyes and his general demeanor Mother’s near he’ll do anything To keep at happy Joffrey is eager Joffrey is eager Taught to take anything he wants You’re in his way, now he can’t be stopped Swear fealty or just start running And forget about winter; Joffrey’s coming Oh yeah, Joffrey’s eager I’ve never seen the Lannisters keener It’s in his eyes and his general demeanor Mother’s near he’ll do anything Oh yeah, Joffrey’s eager I’ve never seen the Lannistes keener It’s in his eyes and his general demeanor Mother’s near he’ll do anything To please her
5.
I don't believe in karma I just believe in my car To deliver me from evil And wherever the hell you are 80 k's an hour No-one can know how I feel I should thank God for that I would, I swear I would, if God was real And they warned me the Devil would be handsome I fell into the arms of sin every time They warned me the Devil would be handsome But Goddamn, look at those eyes I don't believe in friendship Don't want to be your friend I just want to go down on you Until I have to come up for air I remember the nights away I remember the sounds and the city views I remember the plans I never made I wish I did everything on Earth with you And they warned me the Devil would be handsome I fell into the arms of sin every time They warned me the Devil would be handsome But Goddamn, look at those eyes They warned me the Devil would be handsome I didn't believe it was true I didn't think anyone could be half as good as you
6.
Cast a look in my direction, then keep on walking by I don't blame you Ugly on the inside Just a glance at the cover will tell what the pages hide Sound judgment I'm ugly on the inside Beneath the wretched surface Lies a heart that's beating so imperfectly Terrible truth I'm ugly on the inside too Everyone saw straight through me but you can't, could you be so blind? Here's hoping Ugly on the inside And I just don't trust myself--well I know just what I'm like I don't like it Ugly on the inside Beneath the wretched surface Lies a heart that's beating so imperfectly Terrible truth I'm ugly on the inside too This drink inside me burns like a man destroying evidence It's the only thing I can feel anymore Last night I spent all my money trying to get so drunk I'd think somebody loved me And I just wound up at your door But loving me would be suicidal, and you're much too young to die I don't blame you Ugly on the inside So cast a look in my direction and close the door on the Autumn night I don't blame you Ugly on the inside Beneath the wretched surface Lies a heart that's beating so imperfectly Terrible truth I'm ugly on the inside too
7.
She wants to kiss me on my big dumb mouth Who the hell am I to object? This beautiful house of cards will have to come down I know she's just bad news That's okay because I don't read the papers My baby loves it when I hold her down You know, it takes my breath away just to feel her breathing The way she dresses, she's way-underground And when she goes down, I bet she goes down like a demon I know she's just bad news But that's okay because I am too And if she tries to voice that out loud I'm going to kiss her again, I'm going to kiss her on her big dumb mouth I said "I love you" with my big dumb mouth Well, she slapped me pretty hard across the face In for a penny, I'm in for a pound "Do you want to slap me around more back at my place?" Drew me a picture of butterflies Said "You give me them deep inside "And when you kiss me, you let them all out" So I kissed her again, I kissed her on her big dumb mouth Drew me a picture of butterflies Said "You give me them deep inside "And when you kiss me, you let them all out" So I kissed her again, I kissed her on her big dumb mouth
8.
Knew all the words to Nemo Saw the re-release in IMAX Nostalgia makes you cute, but Let's see if it's ever made somebody climax And on the long ride home I think I realized As I saw the look In her sad, sad eyes I'll never make you swoon I'll never make you swoon As much as I'd love to Well, I'll never make you And just to know you can still live your life Well my misery is inescapable I find you so appealing And I think you must find me so goddamn replaceable And on the long ride home I think I realized As I saw the look In her sad, sad eyes I'll never make you swoon I'll never make you swoon As much as I'd love to Well, I'll never make you She said "Oh, get some rest "You're just tired and you're not making sense "Oh, get some rest." As if I could sleep on a night like this She said "We've all got problems, you know." As she turned the light out one last time If I spent as much time with her As I did with my thoughts, maybe she'd still be mine And on the long ride home I think I realized As I saw the look In her sad, sad eyes I'll never make you swoon I'll never make you swoon As much as I'd love to Well, I'll never make you
9.
February 14th comes around And I'm lonely, but I'm not down I know there's still a girl for me A girl with green eyes, long blonde hair With a smile and without a care At least that's what my friends believe But she's imaginary "She's so lovely, you'd never forget her But she's at another school, that's why you haven't met her But she's kept me captivated from our very first kiss And best of all: she definitely exists." Happy Valentine's Day, girl I'd be holding you now, if you weren't on vacation on the other side of the world But I still think about the good and the bad, the times yet to come and the times that we've had and All those pretty things you said when I literally can't get you out of my head Amanda Jones, Amanda Smith--I never remember which one it is But you never seem to mind You don't care when I tell everyone about the hot and nasty stuff we've done And how I've seen you naked a bunch of times Well, it's alright. Well she doesn't haven't Facebook, don't even try And she's never allowed out on weeknights I'm not desperate enough to make all this up I finally found someone real, stop trying to break us up Happy Valentine's Day, girl I'd be holding you now, if you weren't on vacation on the other side of the world But I still think about the good and the bad, your supermodel best friend and the threesome we had and All those sexy things you said when I literally can't get you out of my Valentine's Day is a living hell When your girlfriend doesn't exist in the physical realm I've only got those cards you sent Our handwriting's similar, I'm pretty sure that's just a coincidence
10.
I wish there was a Hallmark card that says: "I know I'm wrong; sorry I'm a shithead." Do you ever feel like nobody respects you? That's because you're awful and you don't deserve respect I've got a window of opportunity that's closing quick And I've got medication for this but I have run out of it So I'll take what's left of my dignity and drop it like a brick I love you, sorry I'm an asshole I like to think that when I put pen to paper Somehow ten minutes later, I'll have rewritten all my wrongs As if the words you never said to the one who wanted you Somehow much more meaningful because you put them in a song Go write her another one and she'll be yours again Another witty lyric and she'll forget about her boyfriend Some overdue honesty just might do the trick I love you, sorry I'm an asshole
11.
I know I'm screwed; better break out the blue Be it amphetamine, or how I feel without you Don't run from your problem-- be a man and face it Whether it's the ex-girlfriend in your head, or the dealer chained up in your basement But I'll be fine in this wretched hellhole of my mind Where I'm forced to live without you And I'll survive if I blur every moral line And I do whatever Heisenberg would do When I read your confessions I ran faster than I have before I took refuge underneath a blanket on my bedroom floor If I'm not the best lay you've had, I don't know what I've got Besides a heart that stalls like a broken RV and a passion for kissing you a lot But I'll be fine in this wretched hellhole of my mind Where I'm forced to live without you And I'll survive if I blur every moral line And I do whatever Heisenberg would do The things you locked away will destroy you if you let them Pay off the inmates to sharpen their shanks and get 'em I am the danger; I'm gonna fight In a couple of minutes, Mike, your boss is going to need me alive... But I'll be fine in this wretched hellhole of my mind Where I'm forced to live without you And I'll survive if I blur every moral line And I do whatever Heisenberg would do
12.
The Kentucky teenage vampires took another soul last night Thank God for our light-up Jesus and his holy luminous might Hot August night down at the roller-disco rink There's music to dance to and there's lots to drink They're out in force; you'll be next Lock your doors, guard your necks And if you ignore the problem, it might move someplace else They did this to themselves They did this to themselves Well it's their town, you just live in it They were feeling down and you decided to ignore it Hot August night down at the roller-disco rink There's music to dance to and there's fresh blood to drink They're out in force; you'll be next Lock your doors, guard your necks And if you ignore the problem, it might move someplace else You did this to yourself You did this to yourself The Kentucky teenage vampires took another soul last night Thank God for our light-up Jesus and his holy luminous might They're out in force; you'll be next Lock your doors, guard your necks And if you ignore the problem, it might move someplace else You did this to yourself You did this to yourself
13.
It's my first day at Oxford and I'm not feeling very self-assured I've been walking for miles up and down these marble halls An Irish girl with ivory skin passes me by I'm much too shy Did you think you were different to them? Because you read Keats when you were in Year 10? I don't think she thinks you're different at all Oxford scholar, spiked collar It's my first week at Oxford and I'm not feeling very self-assured There are legion and scores of bookish boys knocking at your door I write you heartfelt letters on my hardwood flooring I'm just so boring Did you think you were different to them? Because you read Keats when you were in Year 10? I don't think she thinks you're different at all Oxford scholar, spiked collar I left a part of me on your floor and you said I could keep it Angel, my lips are sealed and I won't share your Victoria Secret Wake up yawning, stretching beside me, yawning Barely a smile when we're partners Friday morning Oh, we got a passing grade And all it got me was a passing wave I don't think you think I'm special at all Oxford scholar, spiked collar Oxford scholar Oxford scholar Oxford scholar Spiked collar Oxford scholar Oxford scholar Oxford scholar Spiked collar Oxford scholar Oxford scholar Oxford scholar Spiked collar
14.
No one was happier to have Such an icon on stage shaking his hand Well, comparisons are flattering, but they're getting out of hand I'm in your corner while you're tuning up the band And I love you so much, it nearly makes me sick Sweet chin music Sweet chin music There's a rabid dog running round Don't want to have to be the one to put him down Come Sunday, I'll take Old Yeller behind the shed Look down the iron-sights and put one in his head I'll give you the show-stopper because you asked for it And Sweet chin music Sweet chin music High-flying, limousine-riding Wheelin'-dealin', kiss-stealin' Rolex-wearing, rings on hand "To be the man, you've got to beat the man..." One more low-blow, one more dirty-trick One more well-timed, well-placed superkick And I love you so much, I'm so sorry Ric Sweet chin music Sweet chin music Sweet chin music
15.
And I pray all day, you won't stop when you see me You'll turn your pretty head and just walk by I know one day when I'm wiser I'll look back on this with laughter But today it just makes me want to die Oh, and it's not what I wanted But it's what I need Do what's right Don't stop when you see me And I pray all day, you won't brake when you see me You'll slam your peddle right down to the floor When you finally get your license do me one last act of kindness In the car that your father paid for I fell so hard when I fell from your arms I felt the cold hard ground beneath me Will you make it official? Don't stop when you see me I keep myself sane in the knowledge Everyone who follows me is worse The sequel was fun, babe But it never tops the first And I pray all day, you won't stop when you see me Darling I'm a nightmare dressed as A really handsome nightmare
16.
It's a great night for a seance At the house where that kid was killed a hundred years ago tonight I know you don't fuck around with the forces of chaos But I'll take a Ouija board any day of my life Over my rising student fees And the erosion of my civil liberties I'm paranoid for my life Every day but Halloween So even if we piss off the wrong demons I wanna be your man for Halloween Hold me close as you hear them screaming But I don't need a mask to make you scream Zeebo was a dummy in a fun house Based on some killer clown that burnt alive Your boyfriend stole his nose because I dared him to And now I don't think he's going to last the night He said "I don't believe in urban legends" "I think they're just made up to scare little kids" "But if you didn't put that dummy in my bedroom" "Well, I wonder who did" And now I heard that your boyfriend ain't around And I wanna be your man for Halloween Hold me close as the lights cut out You're in costume as the girl of my dreams When you babysit that Brixton kid I'll sneak in and we'll make out for a while I saw his sister in the hallway But you said he's an only child Yeah, yeah And I wanna be your man for Halloween Hold me close as the lights cut out You're always in costume as the girl of my dreams
17.
I'll tag along God-forbid I should be alone on a Friday night Might have fun If I ever make it to the front of the line Lack of personal space Flashlight in my face "Have you had any to drink tonight?" I must have if I wanted to come to this place And I used to want to be a writer I found I was no good at it It's hard to be Hemingway But it's easy to replicate his drinking habits Now I'm spending my evenings at the discotheque Where the floor is sticky and the air is wet Spending my evenings at the discotech I just want to get wrecked tonight Head to the bathroom Try to forget that sight Head to the dance-floor Try to forget I'm white Anxiety ever-rising Lay awake and dream of dying Let's keep the conversation to What sort of car you're driving And I used to think about my future I thought about it way too much It's hard to special But it's easy to just be just good enough Now I'm spending my evenings at the discotheque Where the floor is sticky and the air is wet Spending my evenings at the discotech I just want to get wrecked tonight Did you ever dream of happy endings? Did you think you'd be suitable? That girl from high school that you thought was beautiful Just did pingas in the bathroom cubicle Now I'm going home early from the discotheque Where the floor is sticky and the air is wet Going home early from the discotheque My opinions are needed on the internet tonight
18.
You're a hero in their eyes Been that way since '95 I guess it's true; some things never change So you can lie to these parasites Everyday of your miserable life And I know: a hero you'll remain But I didn't come to say I told you so I only came to say it is so You built yourself a house of lies to live in, and I'm going to break the walls down This isn't war; it's Jericho Seen a shift at the airports Voices waver when they talk I know there's something different in the way they look at me But I see things a little clearer Now when I look into the mirror I like everything I thing But I didn't come to say I told you so I only came to say it is so There's a mystery in your eyes and I'm going to break the code This isn't war; it's Jericho Boo me on the streets They can't stand an honest man Dream of trading lives They know they never can Came here as a savior Couldn't see it through You're not worthy of saving I'm going to save myself from you But I didn't come to say I told you so I only came to say it is so You built yourself a house of lies to live in, and I'm going to break the walls down This isn't war, no This isn't war, no Tell your lovely kids and wife the reason you're staying home tonight It's not war, no It's no war, no It's not war; it’s Jericho
19.
Well you're up to a pack a day for your addiction And I take a pill when I wake up for my afflictions But maybe my love is a nicotine patch, maybe your love is an antidepressant I don't believe that, but my belief could use a little suspension Baby girl give me the chance to be Someone you needed five years ago When you were young and sweet I'll kiss the ground you walk on Is he the man who loves you most? I bet your boyfriend hates your jokes, alright Hit the drive-through with a friend of mine And we drove to that place where my heart first broke in two And it still hurt like hell, but it was still one hell of a view Where I sat on the beach and I was talking about Gatsby because the movie was coming out soon And I could see a green light across that bay and I wanted to recreate my past too When I said Baby girl give me the chance to be Someone you needed five years ago When you were young and sweet I'll kiss the ground you walk on Is he the man who loves you most? I bet your boyfriend hates your jokes, alright So who's your boyfriend on this coast? I bet your boyfriend hates your jokes
20.
A few drinks and a few choice words I don't remember them, but I found myself at yours Now I want you all the time Despite last night's mistakes Despite the things you smoke Despite the pills you take I want the best you have In not quite as many words The worst you've got to show Is still more than I deserve Your girlfriends, they told me rumors about you I fell to my knees and prayed they were true... Now I want you all the time Despite last night's mistakes Despite the things you smoke Despite the pills you take I want you all the time If you can bare to have me around Love's an STI No cure has been found You strolled into my heart, as if you owned the place Crawled into my room and wrecked up the place Stupid boys like me, whenever we've been touched We tend to think too little and we tend to feel too much
21.
Well the news came down the avenues It's a catastrophe Our boys left Mordi just after 5:30 and they haven't since been seen Somebody wake their families I think of all those handsome boys and all the things they could have done And all the lives they would have led and all the games they should have won And can't this ship move any faster? Mornington football boating disaster My mother watched and waited on the shoreline I've never seen that look on her face She said, "You can set your sails, son, but it doesn't mean the winds will change" Then she said, "Why couldn't they just take the train?" The cream of the seaside crop are sleeping on the ocean floor I'd turn to heaven above for help but the reverend had three sons on board Poseidon is s cricket fan, or maybe he's a bastard Mornington football boating disaster I think of all those handsome boys and all the things they could have done And all the lives they would have led and all the games they should have won And can't this ship move any faster? Mornington football boating disaster
22.
Dad Bod 02:25
Dad bod, I'm rocking a dad bod Dad bod, 'coz I know what's hot Dad bod, so don't knock my dad bod Dad bod, or I'll knock your block off I didn't use my gym membership That's another resolution down the drain But I've got too much going on with my Channel 7 Steven Seagal marathons To hear about your protein shakes Dad bod, I'm rocking a dad bod Dad bod, 'coz I know what's hot Dad bod, so don't knock my dad bod Dad bod, or I'll knock your block off No matter what the weatherman's saying I always dress like I'm picking up the kids from Auskick training In my stonewashed jeans and New Balance shoes, I'm coming soon to party to you But I didn't hear your Mum complaining Dad bod, do you like my banter? Dad bod, I dress like Adam Sandler Dad bod, I'm wearing an apron Dad bod, call all your mates in Rock 'n' roll (Dad bod!) Chiko Rolls (Dad bod!) Finding fastest route that does not require tolls Hard Yakka (Dad bod!) Acca Dacca (Dad bod!) Viral videos of people getting hit knackers (I'm rocking a dad bod!) Dad bod, it's time for a party Dad bod, fire up the barbie Dad bod, I'm drinking Vic Bitter Dad bod, who clogged the shitter? Dad bod, dad bod It goes on and on when you’re rocking a dad bod
23.
Charity muggers, do you even care about the Coast Guard? Charity muggers, can you even swim? Charity muggers, do you even care about the starving children? Do you even know where Ghana is? And when you looked your Mother in the eye Does she stop to chat, or just walk by? Because shed really like to talk about saving the whales Burt you always have to ask her for her bank details Charity muggers, I know you're working on commission That's why you can't accept my spare change Charity muggers, I know the Red Cross does important work but I need to get on with my day And when you walk each morning out your front door Do you wonder what else life has got in store? Besides accosting old ladies at the shopping mall Pretending that you care when you both don't care at all And I know there's worse ways of paying the bills Then by becoming subservient industry shills Just a backpacker all the way from Norway Who wanted to see the world but the world just turned away Charity muggers; I know you're working on commission
24.
Point me in the direction of some well-deserved attention 'Cause my inhibitions are gone tonight, self-esteem's too high to mention I should be a star by now, can you tell what gives? I want to talk to you about my opinions, tell me where you live I walk with a purpose, make the bouncers nervous Just said something sexist, but I'll blame it on the bourbon You want to talk about my temper and you tell me it's not healthy I want to know, how come if you're so smart If you're so smart, how come you're not wealthy? And my dear, I'm still here, the same boy you've always known But if you've seen me after midnight I'm a little bit like Russell Crowe This one's for the mothers and all the older brothers I'm shaking hands with the fathers after getting off with their daughters I'm getting off with their daughters and then shaking hands with the fathers You can't be morally-bankrupt if you look a million-dollars And my dear, I'm still here, the same boy you've always known But if you've seen me after a VB I'm a little bit like Russell Crowe I think I lost myself and I don't know where to go So I checked my magic eight-ball, it said go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go Russell Crowe
25.
Blonde-haired angel from the upper-middle classes Excelling in my boredom and my mediocrity And I can't wait to escape this town, the same old scene just gets me down But my Mum won't pay for a place in the city Still, you should see me on the Internet I'm one gorgeous bastard you won't forget You should see me on the Internet And if you hit me up, you might just get some sex She likes her eyelashes as black as her coffee And as long as her list of enemies But you don't make many enemies If all you do is sit around and talk about your fucking eyeliner Still, you should see her on the Internet She's being worshiped by people she's never met You should see her on the Internet Ten thousand pictures of her morning cigarette Still, you should see me on the Internet I'm one gorgeous bastard you won't forget You should see me on the Internet Yeah, you should see me on the Internet Hit that mother-fucking "Like" button, give me self-respect You should see me on the Internet And if you hit me up, you might just get some sex

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released November 12, 2023

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The Rear Admirals Melbourne, Australia

six in the mag, one in the dream chamber.

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